What's feelings got to do with it??

"I can't help what I feel" And I answered "Of course you can't, but you CAN control HOW you convey those feeling."

That’s a quote that I picked up from a message board that I’m a member of. As I read it I begin to question a lot of the things that I say and feel. I’ve always known that I couldn’t control how I felt per'se, but until recently I thought that I could control the expression of those feelings. Have I been telling myself a lie? Do I have control, in some form, over what I feel? If so, then I’m in for a rude awakening and I need to do better. But if that hypothesis is incorrect and I have NO control over what and how I feel then I think that life really sux!!!! We spend a lot of time criticizing people for their decisions, if not criticizing then at least forming our own opinions about what they should and shouldn't do. I wonder how easy our criticisms would come if people knew our junk. If then knew how foul we really were.

Moving on, what keeps us from living life as we see fit. I know several people who suffer from regret or deferred/denied dreams. I spent years blaming my lack of self expression on God and the church. How if I didn't know God or someone's version of him, then I would be free. Then living the LIFE would be so much easier and less messy. I am feeling literally torn in half and I don’t know which way to go. On one hand I’m making life miserable for my wife. She wants and deserves intimacy which I’m unable and more importantly unwilling to give. I’m just not feeling very sexual right now, hetero or homo! She doesn’t understand that and is measuring herself against something that she has no clue about. It’s killing her and in turn it’s killing me.

But on the other hand in pleasing her I’ll be making myself miserable, or so I think. I’m afraid to make a move, for fear that it’s the wrong move and I’ll end up worse off than I am now. Cowardly is the one word that comes to mind when I think of me right now. I want to be accepted in both worlds. I’m so selfish. I want the wife to help me pass as the man in some societal circles. I want to be what I hear God calling me to be but at the same time I want to creep and crawl to the other side. I long to have my physical and emotional appetites satisfied by something that is taboo and not be burdened with shame. But in scratching one itch the other will be ignored. Which can I live with and without?

Sadly, it is the same story, just a different day. I need a new issue to deal with; I’m so tired of the ones that seem to run me now.

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So in an attempt to ease or run away from my thoughts, I decide to have drinks/dinner with a friend. More drinks than dinner were had and I ruined, or at the very least, changed the face of several dear relationships.

I have apologized to all involved, but apologies are like excuses and excuses are like assholes, we all got em. They all accepted and we say we're all moving on, but how do you forget propositioning someone? Turning friendship into a sexual business deal.... Mistake on top of mistake seems to be the order of the day where I'm concerned.

If I could turn back the hands of time....

I promise that I won't spend the next several days/weeks/months/years of my life beating this same dead horse. I will experience happiness. I declare it and I will die seeing it come into fruition.

Indiscernible.....

Indiscernible is defined as 'not recognizable as distinct'. That definition from Webster describes perfectly my mood and feelings at this time in life.

What am I, who am I? Questions that only God and I can answer, but neither of us seem to be very forthcoming with those answers...lol.

Who I think I am? I am 28 going on an eternal 25 year old african american male.
I love life & living. Love having fun with my friends and family.
I am married and have two kids (love them dearly).
I am gay....
I am ever evolving, ever -changing, ever questioning

How can the two co-exist? I ask myself the same question almost daily. If I had the answer I'd be both rich & happy!

I am a victim of my own decisions. My own desire to fit in, to be 'normal'. I can't blame society for a decision that I made, but it sure would make it easier. Someone has to take the blame for how I feel when I have to force myself to come home somedays. Someone should share the burden with me, the burden of possibility of hurting people who love me, all so that I can have a shot at happiness and having a unique & true identity. One defined by my wants and desires, not by the wants and desires of anyone else.

I'm almost 25 years old (lol) and I'm just realizing that this is the only life I'll get and that no one else can live it for me. No one else can make me happy. But is it too late? Is too much on the line? Has too much time passed? Am I a fool?

I own much embarassment and regret from my past decisions and much fear and trepidation relating to my future. I'm ready for a change, but unable to bring one to fruition. The desire but lacking the power to push. All the while my dreams fade with my hope and my zest for life.

This is my first post, hopefully of many to come.

I'm not writing to anyone or any audience in particular, just writing to flesh out some of my emotions. If you decide to visit on a regular basis, please feel free to leave any comments.

I know that I'm in for a roller coaster ride, up some days and down some days! Hopefully, as I explore my real feelings I can walk myself into my destiny and experience true freedom and total happiness, in whatever arena is my destiny.

Please be patient with me as I grow and evolve. I am a work in progress.