Indiscernible.....

Indiscernible is defined as 'not recognizable as distinct'. That definition from Webster describes perfectly my mood and feelings at this time in life.

What am I, who am I? Questions that only God and I can answer, but neither of us seem to be very forthcoming with those answers...lol.

Who I think I am? I am 28 going on an eternal 25 year old african american male.
I love life & living. Love having fun with my friends and family.
I am married and have two kids (love them dearly).
I am gay....
I am ever evolving, ever -changing, ever questioning

How can the two co-exist? I ask myself the same question almost daily. If I had the answer I'd be both rich & happy!

I am a victim of my own decisions. My own desire to fit in, to be 'normal'. I can't blame society for a decision that I made, but it sure would make it easier. Someone has to take the blame for how I feel when I have to force myself to come home somedays. Someone should share the burden with me, the burden of possibility of hurting people who love me, all so that I can have a shot at happiness and having a unique & true identity. One defined by my wants and desires, not by the wants and desires of anyone else.

I'm almost 25 years old (lol) and I'm just realizing that this is the only life I'll get and that no one else can live it for me. No one else can make me happy. But is it too late? Is too much on the line? Has too much time passed? Am I a fool?

I own much embarassment and regret from my past decisions and much fear and trepidation relating to my future. I'm ready for a change, but unable to bring one to fruition. The desire but lacking the power to push. All the while my dreams fade with my hope and my zest for life.

This is my first post, hopefully of many to come.

I'm not writing to anyone or any audience in particular, just writing to flesh out some of my emotions. If you decide to visit on a regular basis, please feel free to leave any comments.

I know that I'm in for a roller coaster ride, up some days and down some days! Hopefully, as I explore my real feelings I can walk myself into my destiny and experience true freedom and total happiness, in whatever arena is my destiny.

Please be patient with me as I grow and evolve. I am a work in progress.